Alec

[ihateflying]

That first mission, when he'd chosen Alec almost on impulse, based on bare glimmers of ... an independence and kind of intelligence that set him apart, turned into more. Every time he was given an assignment that didn't involve an entire blasted army, he chose Alec - and chose him with increasing deliberateness.

The mission to Upatu to bring in Grievous did involve an entire battalion, but it also called for exactly one Jedi to go in alone, to find the separatist leader before ships landed or troops deployed.

So, he went in alone, he found and engaged Grievous. When the absolute swarms of droids were deployed and Grievous realized that - again - running away was the best option, ships descended and boots his the ground.

He felt them all as individual lives, but he was most aware of Cody... and Alec.

He stayed on Grievous, trusting the Clones to handle the droid army, and keep them off his back so he could do his job. It wasn't anything all that unusual up to that point. A lot of dodging, some near misses, a chase, and a brutal hand to ...cyborg fight that ended with him using a blaster of all things to finish Grievous off.

He made it back to the battle arena, gave Cody instructions to move the troops to the higher levels and had his fallen light-saber returned to him by Cody. It was all... perfectly normal.

Until it wasn't.

Until part way up the steep rock wall he became the target.

Of his own men.

There was no malice or ill intention to warn him. Just suddenly at the center of a hornet swarm of fire. He had just about enough time to register that his men were shooting at him before the rock ledge he was on was hit.


He fell, slamming hard into the edge of the cliff face on his way down.

That alone would have knocked him unconscious, but the feeling of other Jedi deaths across the galaxy tearing through his mind pushed him even deeper into unconsciousness.

He hit water, a small opening of an underground river by luck -

Which, really, ultimately, only meant that he was going to drown, since he was deeply unconscious.

Comments

[kissthatgoodbye]

It's not that Alec doesn't understand this is bad, because he does. He absolutely does. It's that he doesn't know how to process the scope of it or, if he does, he's not capable of it just now. It's like shooting him in the leg and then telling him to run the length of a destroyer: he can still technically do it but not well, not quickly.

He registers Obi-Wan's reaction but he doesn't know what else to do about it right now, so he just reaches up to rub the cape along his shoulder, a warming motion that stops the moment Obi-Wan starts speaking again.

"I - " The thing is, the chip isn't the only thing that keeps the clones in line, it's just the thing that makes sure they can't disobey. There's plenty of conditioning around that to make them not want to, afraid to, resistant to it, and Alec is still susceptible to that. Still susceptible to a lifetime of fear of being culled for being able to do something like break the chip, so it takes him a moment to gather together the wits to answer Obi-Wan, and he does so quietly: "When they gave the order."

[ihateflying]

"Thank you."

That's all he says, simple and sincere and quiet, but there aren't words that truly cover the depth of his gratitude. He knows it can't have been easy.

He moves slightly, tries to figure out how -

"Would you rather be behind me or in front of me."

Back to practicals. Jerky, unsteady, still having to force himself to think and feeling -

Both everything and nothing.

But the practicals are all that matter now and now is all there is to matter.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Practical needs are easy, though, and it's something Alec latches onto, too. He's used to following Obi-Wan and he will, he would, if Obi-Wan said to get on his feet right now and follow him out of this cave, he would do it. But he doesn't. What he does instead is ask if -

"...I'm laying on my good side..." is what he ends up offering. He's facing Obi-Wan and he'd rather have them back to back, if he's honest, so they could watch both directions. But the ledge isn't that big, and his other side was hit by blaster fire, and he could roll over onto it - would, if he was ordered - but he doesn't want to do that either. This makes the most sense. This is, given the context, the most practical.

That's how long it takes him to process the first two words, ones that no one else has ever said to Alec outside of empty formality, to remember there's something to say in return. He should say you're welcome. What he says instead is: "Thank you for not dying."

[ihateflying]

He snorts inelegantly, and slides behind Alec, just a bit, because he can't continue to stay upright, right now, unless he wants to pay for it later.

He's going to need to be able to get up and move, later.

He pulls the cloak around both of them. The ledge is hard, and it doesn't matter at all because wet and cold is going to cause them both more trouble than any discomfort or even any injury either of them had. Especially when what they're going to need most of to get out of here are clear heads and energy.

After that? Well,if they get out they can deal with injuries and probable pneumonia, and if they don't it isn't going to be pneumonia that does them in.

"You're welcome; I feel like someone's clawed half my brain out, and done it through my skull." If you're going to complain, at least do so creatively. It also makes it harder to be taken seriously. "With some time I should be able to help you with at least pain." Some. Maybe. He hopes.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec trusts his system to take care of pneumonia, if he can keep it out of shock. He's taken blaster fire before, he's taken blunt force trauma, he's been exhausted. He's not worried about any of that, but there aren't words for what he is worried about. Is it pain, ringing in his head, sticking in his chest? Maybe. Is it hurt making his thoughts difficult to line up, skating around his skull like ricochet blasts? Maybe not.

He stays perfectly still while Obi-Wan settles, anchors the cape from the other side so they can make a better sealed structure out of the fabric for them both. And he breathes out.

"I'm okay," he answers, and he means it when he says it. "I came to help you."

[ihateflying]

"You are not."

It's very quiet, even gentle in the subtle lilt of his voice, but it somehow remains an awfully blunt, indisputable, statement of fact.

"You probably aren't horribly injured, but having resisted the order to execute me doesn't mean you're not still suffering repercussions."

Look, he used lots of words at once.

"You are going to help me. I'm going to need it. You're just going to need me to help you, so you can."

He is... not going to shock in a human - or clone - sense. He isn't shivering. He's just... fighting the urge to shut down.

Really shut down.

All the way down to something that would be a death sentence here.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Resisted the order. Alec swallows, listening to Obi-Wan's voice, ignoring the way he desperately wants there to be some kind of command there he can follow, something he can use as direct pressure on the hemorrhage ripping free of the chip like that has left behind.

It wasn't like this, before. That scares him almost more than the worst case scenario that the two of them are all alone in all the worlds now.

"I need you to stop talking about it," he says quietly. "For now. I -" He can't explain it to someone who isn't a clone. He can't explain the way they were conditioned to think of mutiny as worse than death, of an order not being carried out while they breathe as betrayal.

"I don't know which side makes me the traitor. It's all mixed up in my head. But I made this choice and I stand behind it and I don't want to think about what I should be doing if not this."

[ihateflying]

He takes that in and does not point out the magnitude of Alec telling Obi-Wan not just what he needs, but what he wants and what to do, albeit indirectly.

That alone may be what's making this harder, but there's also just the possibility of that directive being much more entrenched than simple obedience.

"All right. Then let's try this until I can try to be of more help. Can you feel me breathing?"

[kissthatgoodbye]

If he were thinking more clearly, he'd know the magnitude of it. He's not. He's already focusing on Obi-Wan, where he is, what he's doing, what he can read of him from here. He'd thought he wanted him at his back, and mostly he still does - the training is sound, the logic is sound - but now he can't see him.

Can you feel me breathing? "Yes."

[ihateflying]

"Good." There's a touch of a smile in his voice, somehow, or at least the warmth that would come with it. Somehow. He sounds steady, he sounds calm, he sounds warm.

"Now I want you to synch your breathing to mine. Exactly to mine."

Which was going to go from very regular to something involving varying intervals of inhales, waiting, and exhales just as soon as he was sure Alec was going along with the very simple.

Jedi non-sense, without the actual involvement of force. He'd learned this particular exercise when he was 6. But it was calming, it required focus, and it tended to at least slow minds down a bit. Simplify and clarify, by being if nothing else grounding.

[kissthatgoodbye]

And the most important aspect to Alec just now, beyond it being Obi-Wan in particular: it's an instruction. Not an order, no, but better. Direction that he can follow, while being open ended enough that he could conceivably choose not to follow.

As if he would. "Okay," he agrees, and it's simple after that. It's simple to focus where he's told to focus, to let himself fall into step with someone else, to not be alone and to know it.

It's seamless after that, and not far behind, the racing of his thoughts starts to abate as well.

[ihateflying]

"There we go," he murmurs, sounding unreasonably proud once he feels Alec's mind begin to slow down.

It's barely a murmur because this is knocking him down too, which is not ideal, but it's not as bad as it could be. "I wonder how many of those varying breathing exercises I can teach you in the next hour...." They're all varying degrees of boring as hell but requiring some focus and overall relaxing, so-

"Let's find out."

It'll keep him conscious, too.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec's mind is capable of processing more than one thing at a time, is the thing, so he's in no danger of actually falling asleep or unconscious. What the breathing does is create space - ground him - so he can think of those things more effectively. So he can let in the throbbing burn from his flank, the aching pressure of his ribs, the cold trying to sink into his bones, the anxious but practical thoughts of what they need to do next and when. What they even can do.

It lets him listen for the distant sound of voices and boots, of engines and armor clattering, threading through the crash of water in the cave into no recognizable pattern. They're not discovered, yet. They have time, anyway, to decide on a move.

And it lets him listen to Obi-Wan behind him, to feel the way the temperature under the blanket starts to warm between the two of them, to think about how he needs to get a hold on himself. He's Obi-Wan's only soldier now. He needs to be better. He needs to be solid. He can be. He will be.

[ihateflying]

He catches the rise and fall and drift and direction of what Alec's thinking, but nothing specific. He can feel when it becomes reasonably... stable. Not that Alec's inclined toward instability but more solid.

He lifts one hand to rub at his eyes and rather than drop it back between them wraps it lightly over Alec.

"Will you be all right for half an hour?"

[kissthatgoodbye]

He doesn't startle at the touch like he once might have, but instead slits his eyes open to look at Obi-Wan's hand now where he can see it. He doesn't remember closing his eyes at all, but he opens them further now, considers twisting to see his face.

"Are you going somewhere?" is what he wants to know before he answers.

[ihateflying]

That is a damn good question and difficult to answer, and it shouldn't be.

"Not physically," he says, after a moment, "but I won't be particularly responsive, either."

He can push this further, if he needs to. If he has to, he will.

But he wants to be able to help Alec enough for them to be able to get the hell out of here, and he has to help himself to do that first.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Force things, he thinks, and can't help a bit of vague dismay. He's still not sure what will give them away but more than that -

"When - how will I know if something goes wrong?" What can he even do?

[ihateflying]

Force things. He's sorry, Alec, really he is. He's efficient and practical but he is still Jedi.

"I can't do anything about the ... less physical damage." Possibly ever, but it should even out with time. "But I can do something about the head injury and that should help me be able to have the focus to do something about your injury. There is very little risk of anything worse than me falling asleep happening." Barring them being interrupted, that is. "My breathing and pulse will slow, but if they become irregular it shouldn't take more than a firm shake or shout to rouse me."

[kissthatgoodbye]

"And if it does?"

Alec is not typically given to doubt or concern like this, but the fact of the matter is he doesn't have any other recourse at this particular moment in time.

[ihateflying]

"If you can't rouse me, then I'm already dying and there's nothing we can do about it, anyway."

That... worries him, but not for him. It leaves him worried about Alec.

"In that case, get out of here by any means necessary and contact Bail Organa. He will help you."

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec does not believe that even a little, even for a moment. Part of it is how mired he still is in blaming himself for a traitor, how no clone believes that there is any sanctuary for them anywhere if they break ranks, but part of it too is the magnitude of the shift that happened today. It's just that there's nothing he can do about it except accept it and move on. Do his best to move on.

He doesn't want to. He doesn't know if that matters less or more now than it did before, but either way, he's already decided to trust Obi-Wan once. He stares ahead at the wall and breathes out.

"I'll be okay." Do what you have to do.

[ihateflying]

Believe it or not, but he has very few people he trusts himself right now. Alec is one. Bail is two. Any Jedi who managed to survive somewhere beneath those two at the moment.

He feels that breathe out and then, honestly, has no choice. He does do what he has to. It's who he is.

He finds and squeezes Alec's hand once and then is effectively gone.

There's no drama, but his eyes close, his breathing slows down, his pulse drops, but that's it. Just... deeply turned inward and focused. Doing the best he can with what he has, and splitting that down so he can make the most use of it.

[kissthatgoodbye]

It's a gesture that surprises Alec, who has only had cause to think of himself - has only been thought of - in one specific role his entire life. No one holds a soldier's hand. A soldier's hands are for fighting, must be kept free, must be filled with weapons or controls or they are useless. Hands are for staunching bleeding or pulling a comrade to safety. Hands are for tools and repairs.

He tells himself, while he waits and keeps watch and does not move and does not let his breathing stray out of the last pattern that Obi-Wan guided him through, that he keeps the Jedi's hand because he needs to monitor his pulse. He does not remind himself that there's no pulse to be found there, like this, but that's okay. It's only a half hour.

Sometime during that time, he stops shivering. Sometime during that time, he stares at what little light he can see filtering in from somewhere and decides what time of day it is. It'll matter when Obi-Wan wakes up. When, not if, which is why Alec keeps watch and carefully counts the passing moments.

[ihateflying]

He was dimly surprised to find Alec still holding his hand when he began to come around, and that was followed by noticing the smell of wet rock, and the sound of the river beside them.

It was pretty rapid all told, ending right around a half hour.

He squeezed Alec's hand again. "Better." He was, he meant. Not good, but better. "Now, may I take care of you, please?"

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec is feeling steady enough by then to twist to look at him, which necessitates letting go of his hand. Besides, he's awake now, and -

And.

He searches Obi-Wan's face quickly but intently to verify what he said for himself, and does not really register the question.

"What did you do?" he asks instead.