Alec

[ihateflying]

That first mission, when he'd chosen Alec almost on impulse, based on bare glimmers of ... an independence and kind of intelligence that set him apart, turned into more. Every time he was given an assignment that didn't involve an entire blasted army, he chose Alec - and chose him with increasing deliberateness.

The mission to Upatu to bring in Grievous did involve an entire battalion, but it also called for exactly one Jedi to go in alone, to find the separatist leader before ships landed or troops deployed.

So, he went in alone, he found and engaged Grievous. When the absolute swarms of droids were deployed and Grievous realized that - again - running away was the best option, ships descended and boots his the ground.

He felt them all as individual lives, but he was most aware of Cody... and Alec.

He stayed on Grievous, trusting the Clones to handle the droid army, and keep them off his back so he could do his job. It wasn't anything all that unusual up to that point. A lot of dodging, some near misses, a chase, and a brutal hand to ...cyborg fight that ended with him using a blaster of all things to finish Grievous off.

He made it back to the battle arena, gave Cody instructions to move the troops to the higher levels and had his fallen light-saber returned to him by Cody. It was all... perfectly normal.

Until it wasn't.

Until part way up the steep rock wall he became the target.

Of his own men.

There was no malice or ill intention to warn him. Just suddenly at the center of a hornet swarm of fire. He had just about enough time to register that his men were shooting at him before the rock ledge he was on was hit.


He fell, slamming hard into the edge of the cliff face on his way down.

That alone would have knocked him unconscious, but the feeling of other Jedi deaths across the galaxy tearing through his mind pushed him even deeper into unconsciousness.

He hit water, a small opening of an underground river by luck -

Which, really, ultimately, only meant that he was going to drown, since he was deeply unconscious.

Comments

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec has seen the Jedi do a number of impossible, impressive feats, some of which he has reason to suspect have been calculated specifically to keep non-Force users off balance and uncertain. And no, he hadn't been very comfortable with it at the time, but really by this point he's not even bothering with discomfort. He hears Force and healing and can see for himself that Obi-Wan looks at least a little steadier, and he nods.

"And how does that apply to me?"

[ihateflying]

"Because now that I am no longer fighting my concussion." Skull fracture, whatever, "I can do the same for you."

It's direct as he can be, really, given that nothing about the Force is truly simple.

[kissthatgoodbye]

At another time, this is something Alec would slip sideways but obediently out of by pointing out he doesn't have a concussion. He would do it for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is that while it's important to accurately report injuries so they can be addressed, anything that has a chance of healing itself undetected are often best left undetected.

In this case, though, it's more that he thinks neither of them should be doing much besides sleeping just now, if they're not going to move.

"Sir," is what he goes with, noncommittal, dubious.

[ihateflying]

He really doesn't know what to do with that response right now and finds himself blinking at the back of Alec's head.

Maybe they should just sleep.

Maybe they should not.

Maybe Alec should use more than one word.

"Alec?"

[kissthatgoodbye]

He considers, for a moment, playing dumb. He's been playing dumb his whole life in one way or another, except when it came to test scores, to rankings. That's different, though.

This is different, and he could pretend not to know what he's being asked, but he does.

"We both know you can force the issue if you wanted to," he offers, low. "Nothing I could really do to stop you. I just don't think you should be wasting energy right now ignoring me when I say I can keep."

[ihateflying]

He is almost tempted to accept Alec saying he can keep just to get out of having to explain anything.

...No, he is tempted. He just is almost tempted enough to actually do it.

"Alec...."

He does not want to do this.

"I'm not being sentimental, or noble or making an ethical stance, though the stance would be ethical. I have... very limited force ability at the moment. The best way I can use what I have is to make sure you are as fit as possible, because I am going to be close to useless, beyond the rare act of desperation that I will pay for."

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec is not being sentimental, not really; he's working in terms of logic, and past experience with Obi-Wan in particular, and doing his best to allow for the bias of conditioning. It's possible he's not allowing enough in the end, but he's trying, and it makes sense to him anyway.

Another thing he knows from past experience: he doesn't understand the Force and how it works at all.

"Why?" he wants to know, then, still looking straight ahead.

[ihateflying]

"Because ten thousand Jedi just died screaming inside my mind. If it makes it easier for you to understand, consider me brain damaged. The right kind of brain scan would prove that out, anyway."

He hates this. Has he mentioned this.

"Enough desperation and I can push through it, but it is ... running on a broken leg with the help of adrenaline."

He needs Alec in a way he really hasn't before.

[kissthatgoodbye]

It's a situation that Alec is presently very well equipped to understand, as it were. As a clone he's more or less desensitized to the death of his brothers and has been almost since becoming aware of their existence at all. They are, after all, created specifically to die, and their lives have been filled with plenty of opportunities to do just that. Obi-Wan lost ten thousand of the people he was closest connected to in the world. Alec has lost ten hundred thousand in his life span alone, although they were not connected mind to mind.

No, that waited for today, when he lost the rest of them. Even being something of a pariah, to him they were the closest thing he has ever had and will ever have to family. And the still ringing, shredding ache of pushing back against the chip the way he did today, of rebelling in such a spectacularly bold way against such a clandestine order is not the same as what Obi-Wan is describing now, but it's probably the closest Alec will ever come.

He has to be better. He has to be solid. He says, "I'm sorry," and "I won't question you again."

[ihateflying]

He knows.

He knows and a large part of why he hadn't wanted to have this discussion. The rest was simply being loath to admitting that he needs Alec, rather than simply wanted his help. Some pride, some part scraping against his ethics in not treating his soldiers like equipment.

He's not, but it doesn't feel entirely different, anyway.

"If I didn't like being questioned, I wouldn't like you. Let's just do this, try to sleep for a bit and then get out of here."

[kissthatgoodbye]

I know, Alec thinks, something he's not ready to admit to aloud yet. Something he's not yet willing to dare: I was lying anyway. Not intentionally just now, just here, on just this subject, to just this man, but he knows that's what he was doing anyway as soon as he thinks of it.

He'll question again. If he can no longer be a soldier, then there is no safety in obedience, no shield in compliance. Not anymore.

But that's for another time. Now he shifts, carefully, until he can twist to see Obi-Wan's face when he repeats, firmly, "I'm sorry." Because he is. A lot of terrible things happened today. To them both. He means it.

And: "What do I need to do?"

[ihateflying]

He dredges up a weary smile when Alec turns to look at him, as much for the fact that Alec has twisted around to look at him as the apology.

In truth, probably more.

"You don't need to do anything at all, only be prepared. It will feel warm, it may be generally uncomfortable or itchy. It shouldn't be painful. Feel free to fall asleep; I won't be insulted." That last part is a bit of a joke.

He'd tell Alec to relax, but even after working together, even now, he can't even imagine Alec relaxed. So, he doesn't bother.

He brushes his fingers over Alec's hand, so he can get some direct contact which will make it easier, takes a breath and closes his eyes. Once he has acknowledgement, he'll do it.

[kissthatgoodbye]

It would have been a waste of breath just now, it's true. As it stands Alec doesn't think generally uncomfortable or itchy sounds like it's even worth mentioning but he does nod and turn back around so he can settle.

His eyes drop down to the touch on his hand and he breathes out, nods. "I won't fall asleep," he promises, because he always does.

[ihateflying]

You are a person, Alec, and he's doing things to your body. Consent and expectations matter, even if it's for healing purposes.

He closes his own eyes, drops his head so his chin is against his chest and then - well, he doesn't lose awareness around them for the sake of internal focus this time, not really, because most of the process is urging Alec's body along through a process similar to what he'd done on himself.

Just slower and more painstaking because it isn't him.

It does not, however, take forever. Just... more like an hour than thirty minutes.

[kissthatgoodbye]

What is consent and how does it work, he's never heard of it before.

Alec does not fall asleep - he rarely does, and never when he's promised that he won't - although mostly it's because he's braced for whatever it is that might happen to him. He does feel strange, but this isn't the first time for that; he has no way of knowing that his genetic structure responds particularly well to the Force being used on it, nor a frame of reference for what his body putting itself back together at an accelerated rate feels like. He's not watching for it. It doesn't, in the end, really matter what Obi-Wan chooses to do to him. Alec's already chosen to follow him, so here he is.

In fact he only notices when he shifts to look at a noise across the river from them and his side doesn't burn the way he was expecting it to; he glances down even though there's nothing for him to see, covered as they both are by the cape, but it does mean that he is more voluntary in his stillness as the only way he can see to help.

[ihateflying]

He has healed clones before and does know that they respond well to the Force, but he's still painstaking and careful-

and grateful.

When he finishes he's fairly well wiped out, his head hurts faintly and right behind his eyes and he actually curls up close behind Alec and puts his head down so his forehead is pressed against the back of Alec's neck.

"How long do you think we need to wait?"

[kissthatgoodbye]

By the time Obi-Wan has finished, Alec is so focused on being still himself while monitoring their surroundings that the first movement from Obi-Wan himself almost startles him. Almost.

It takes several moments to process what's happening after that but then it's easier to relax and let them both settle anew. He presses down against his side with his elbow, testing what was previously painful and sore, and finds that he wants to say something, but nothing comes.

Nothing but a question, which he has been thinking about to keep his mind off the healing, so he has an answer ready: "We have time for you to rest. They'll either be searching for several more hours so the safest thing would be to stay here, or they'll have orders to move out and we won't be able to catch them now anyway."

They can rest and regroup.

[ihateflying]

"I cannot think of a single good outcome for either of us, in catching up to them." He shivered, fairly hard and actually tucked himself tighter around Alec. "But we do need to find out what is happening out there, as soon as we reasonably can."

He needed to, anyway. "I'll take the time to rest regardless." A pause and then more softly, truly apologetically. "I'm sorry, Alec."

[kissthatgoodbye]

"I just meant -" But it truly doesn't matter what he meant by offering that thought because the outcome is the same. There's nowhere to go. There's no one friendly looking for them, maybe even left alive.

He touches the inside of Obi-Wan's wrist, just two fingertips, and lets him lean against him as hard as he needs.

"For what?"

[ihateflying]

There may be, actually. He can think of one contact he might be able to reach who wouldn't be caught up in this and willing to help them.

He needs to find out what is happening at the Temple, because if there are survivors they need to know to stay away, rather than flock in to help.

The fingers on his wrist result in a slightly more subdued shudder, followed by him steadying. They're grounding, and necessary.

"Because your loyalty to me cost you everything."

[kissthatgoodbye]

The amount of things Alec doesn't know is staggering; his entire life was the Republic and doing whatever he was told to do for it. He has some knowledge, yes, gleaned from missions and from listening, but not nearly enough to function. No one has ever explained anything to him if it didn't directly relate to his place in the worlds, which is not one that demanded information on how to live out in them.

And it still hurts. It aches like his body doesn't anymore, and unlike his body it's getting worse with time, not better. There will be a reckoning with that, he suspects. He is not entirely sure he can survive it. The chips weren't meant to be broken at all, let alone like that; the conditioning, his bonds, were designed never to be betrayed like that.

So he accepts that with a silent space of a moment, then gently taps one finger where it is when he says, "Not everything."

If Obi-Wan had died, if it had all been for nothing, then that is literally exactly what Alec would have. Right now there's not much, but there is that, and he focuses on it as best he can.

[ihateflying]

They have both lost the framework of their lives. The frameworks are different, the conditioning is different, they are different, for more reasons than the details of the insults to their psyches. They are both, however, going to suffer much more when there is time to do so.

"Nearly, then." He actually kisses the back of Alec's neck, because he has no hands free and he's trying not to create a bigger issue with his ... force awareness. It's completely chaste, and casual, though.

"Once we're out of here, I'll contact Senator Organa. We can find out what is happening and what has to be done after we're with him."

[kissthatgoodbye]

It's chaste and casual and brief but if few enough people have ever touched Alec kindly, absolutely no one has ever kissed him - and this is Right over his serial code, too, which he has never seen with his own eyes but is constantly aware of regardless. He blinks slowly, puzzling it out, but lets himself be soothed in silrnce by the fact that nothing happens next, that Obi-Wan is simply accepting him. His answers.

"The one you wanted me to find," Alec replies, memorizing the new plan. He'd already made the decision. He just reiterates it now: "Whatever use I can be, you'll have me. However I can help."

[ihateflying]

"Mhm." It's agreement, given as he begins to drift to very light sleep. It's the last rest either of them will have for quite some time.

When he wakes it's time to leave, and calling what comes after a 'long day' would be disingenuous. It is very, very hard to translate time to days when traveling in space and from planet to planet, but it is most certainly more than a day, and it beyond brutal.

Getting out of the caves and back to the surface to Griveous' ship and off the planet to be picked up by Bail is the easiest of it.

There the need to change the recall beacon being transmitted by the Temple to one of warning. Which involves not only traversing a maze filled with Clones, via both avoidance and killing, but the discovery that Anakin is alive - when playing the security footage of him cutting down children.

Then of course there is the inevitable going after Anakin on Mustafar with intent to kill or die in the trying. There are no words involved for the physical and emotional hell that is. The escape back to Bail's transport with a dying, pregnant woman. The delivery of her twins and her death.

By the time it is over he has had more than one near total breakdown, and ended at a place where most of what he feels has been replaced by a total absence of anything.

Except gratitude. He is profoundly, deeply, grateful for Alec's presence.

Meetings are over, discussions are over, decisions have been made and now the only next is being taken somewhere, delivering Luke to his family and -

And he doesn't know.

After Yoda and Bail have left the room he looks to Alec, stands wearily and says gently, "Come on."

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec does not complain. He follows Obi-Wan every step of the way - quite literally every step of the way, refusi g to be left behind for any of it be it a suicide mission to Mustafar or a strategy meeting between the Jedi and their benefactor. He doesn't argue, but rather states what he's going to do and then stubbornly, silently does it. It's so much easier to let his identity as a soldier hold him up right now. It'll hurt by the end because he's not anymore, but he knows how to be nothing else and has no energy left to figure out what he should be just now, so he lets himself be Obi-Wan's soldier.

He shadows him through the maze of the temple even though firing upon his brothers makes him feel physically ill; he stands close enough to catch Obi-Wan and steady him when they learn the truth of what happened here, even though it barely touches him; he catches a stunning blow trying to help among the geisers and lava flows of that final battle before remembering who and what he is and that he cannot hold his own between Jedi.

So he stands back and lets them forget about him and then he takes one clear, concise shot. And then he takes four more, and then he's helping with Amidala and he kind of forgets the rest but that's easy.

He's standing stock still and silent guard just behind and to Obi-Wan's right when the meeting breaks up. He nods to each of the other men when they meet his eyes as he watches them withdraw, but he only moves for the last person in the room.

"Gladly," he offers, exhausted and hollow but prompt.