Alec

[ihateflying]

That first mission, when he'd chosen Alec almost on impulse, based on bare glimmers of ... an independence and kind of intelligence that set him apart, turned into more. Every time he was given an assignment that didn't involve an entire blasted army, he chose Alec - and chose him with increasing deliberateness.

The mission to Upatu to bring in Grievous did involve an entire battalion, but it also called for exactly one Jedi to go in alone, to find the separatist leader before ships landed or troops deployed.

So, he went in alone, he found and engaged Grievous. When the absolute swarms of droids were deployed and Grievous realized that - again - running away was the best option, ships descended and boots his the ground.

He felt them all as individual lives, but he was most aware of Cody... and Alec.

He stayed on Grievous, trusting the Clones to handle the droid army, and keep them off his back so he could do his job. It wasn't anything all that unusual up to that point. A lot of dodging, some near misses, a chase, and a brutal hand to ...cyborg fight that ended with him using a blaster of all things to finish Grievous off.

He made it back to the battle arena, gave Cody instructions to move the troops to the higher levels and had his fallen light-saber returned to him by Cody. It was all... perfectly normal.

Until it wasn't.

Until part way up the steep rock wall he became the target.

Of his own men.

There was no malice or ill intention to warn him. Just suddenly at the center of a hornet swarm of fire. He had just about enough time to register that his men were shooting at him before the rock ledge he was on was hit.


He fell, slamming hard into the edge of the cliff face on his way down.

That alone would have knocked him unconscious, but the feeling of other Jedi deaths across the galaxy tearing through his mind pushed him even deeper into unconsciousness.

He hit water, a small opening of an underground river by luck -

Which, really, ultimately, only meant that he was going to drown, since he was deeply unconscious.

Comments

[ihateflying]

"It's been a long several years."

If nothing else, however direly, this is an end to the War. The War that never mattered at all, but still destroyed Clones, Jedi, bystanders and victims on an individual and planetary scale.

It's imperfect but at least neither one of them is going to be pushed back to the front-lines.

He can feel the relief, dull as it is. It mirrors his own at the moment. He pushes himself back into the bed, back against the wall and on his side. His throat and wrists are still bruised from Anakin's... Anakin, but they aren't bad and he doesn't care. "Come here."

[kissthatgoodbye]

If Alec has bothered to feel anything about Anakin, it's mostly anger; he doesn't have the attachment side of the struggle he'd watchex in Obi-Wan, doesn't have energy left over for remembering when Skywalker was a revered leader of troops. None of that mattered. None of it did.

He doesn't have any empathy or grief left over for anyone who willingly participated in it. He's still keeping his head above water for the clones and for his own treachery.

Obi-Wan moves away from him and he drops his head in acceptance, but at a loss still for what to do next. Then Obi-Wan bids him follow and that - well, that's easy, once he's looked back to confirm he heard right. He's sore from head to to and one side of his body still burns from where he'd been knocked out of the way and half senseless in armor that was never meant to insulate against that kind of heat, but he still pushes himself closer without hesitation.

"I'll stay," he says, remembering the request to wait from earlier, but he still adds on, "If you want."

[ihateflying]

It's okay. He doesn't expect Alec to have any empathy for any of them, including himself. This entire, bloody, horrible, disaster was always just about the Jedi. The clone troops had been truly innocent, used and abused and lost in a war that had nothing to do with them, on any level, but worse wasn't even what it had appeared to be.

It isn't the thing he regrets most right now, but he is aware.

"If you're comfortable staying, I'd like you to stay." That one he's careful with, because he'd like to actually have someone there, feel someone breathing and not... worry about Alec right now.

He sure as hell isn't going to apply pressure with that - or at least will try not to. No matter how exhausted they both are.

[kissthatgoodbye]

"I am," he says simply, and leans back on the pillows. This is, hands down, the nicest bed he's ever touched and it's such a pleasant mundane distraction that he lets himself dwell on it a little.

"The other option is the hallway and I'd just as soon not." He glances over at Obi-Wan to raise an eyebrow, and it's a bit flat just now, he knows. So: "I don't blame you. Anyone who does will have to get around me to do it."

[ihateflying]

He splays a hand across Alec's chest once he's gotten confirmation that Alec wants to be here. The bed is nice - far nicer than the ones even he is used to; battleships and temple quarters weren't exactly the luxury Senator Organa brought into play.

It felt nice.

Having a literal hand on someone's heartbeat as proof of life felt nicer.

"The only person onboard who blames me, or is any threat to me, is me." He appreciates Alec's presence and the... dedication though. A lot.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec's heartbeat is strong abd steady at least. His body doesn't let him down, and now is no exception despite the abuse he's heaped on it lately.

He breathes under Obi-Wan's palm for two full rounds, watching chest and hand rising and falling, then cautiously reaches to lay two fingertips against Obi-Wan's wrist.

"You'll have to get around me, too," he says, quietly.

[ihateflying]

"You are allowed to touch me."

But not required to, it's just that his exhausted, shocky, brain has realized that's not a thing he's ever explicitly said and he's not exactly the most... tactile or physically welcoming person in the world under most circumstances.

Then he presses lightly against Alec, in a way that might have been a gentle squeeze if his hand weren't splayed out. "And I've been very aware of that, all day. And grateful for it."

[kissthatgoodbye]

And Alec hadn't known that he was looking for permission - the kind that he can recognize, the kind that doesn't go with most interactions amongst civilians - until Obi-Wan gives it and he feels something in his chest ease. Nothing big, nothing even particularly notable in amongst everything else, but like sudden understanding it's definitely there.

He moves his pointer finger slightly, finding the curve of bone under the skin and tracing it. It's thoughtful more than anything. Experimental, but like pushing against a bruise or rubbing fabric between fingers.

"That's new for me," he says finally. "Gratitude. No one is grateful to a clone for doing his duty." For dying, which they were made to do, he swallows back from saying. "The other two don't know what to do with me."

[ihateflying]

He stretches his fingers out, flexes them, making bone and muscle and ligaments move under the thin skin of his wrist, and against Alex's touch.

"Bail doesn't," he agrees. "His intentions are good but he's lost and fighting between appropriate sympathy and being over the moon that he's gained children that were desperately wanted. As well as not having any idea what to make of you. Yoda knows more than you'd think, including that you're an individual and that you have been amazingly helpful today. He just very old, and very... alien. He doesn't really know what to do with anyone, I don't think."

He's also ruthless in a particular way, he thinks but doesn't say.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Most of these are words Alec doesn't really know how to connect with; he's better equipped to understand seeming alien than he is to understand how children might affect how someone behaves or thinks.

What he wants to know is what he's been told his entire life will happen if he does what he's been doing ever since order 66: "Are they going to order me executed?"

It doesn't matter how good intentions are, the temple proved, but X-5494 already knew that. It doesn't matter how helpful a soldier is when there are battles to win. His entire life he's been told all that matters is loyalty to the Republic, and he suspects that might not be true anymore, but days old suspicions are no contest for years long conditioning.

[ihateflying]

He goes still, with temporary confusion that clears quickly. He is, he realizes, an utter idiot.

"They are not. I wouldn't allow them to if they wanted to, but neither one has any desire to see you hurt, much less killed. You can stay with me or not, but either way Senator Organa will make sure you're provided for and safe."

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec does not trust Senator Organa. He does not trust Yoda. He does not trust what others will or won't allow, or being provided for, or being safe.

But he trusts Obi-Wan. He went still when the other did but now he lets his fingers move again, slides his hand more fully over Obi-Wan's, though his touch is still light.

"I'll stay with you," he confirms. "We can discuss the rest later. I just wanted to know if I should bother sleeping."

[ihateflying]

He turns his hand over, very carefully and slowly so he doesn't... spook Alec into withdrawing, so he can lightly catch and gently squeeze his fingers.

"You should bother sleeping. We both should. We have a lot to figure out when we wake up." Where are they going? What are they doing? He has no idea, and he knows Alec doesn't either, but for right now - all he wants is to let his body and mind shut down from sheer exhaustion, but to do it while being able to feel Alec breathing beside him.

[kissthatgoodbye]

It's not a bad plan by any means, except the part where Alec really doesn't want both of them to sleep at once. He wants to stay awake, keep watch - he wonders how long it will be before that impulse passes, given the scope of the way they were all fooled this time - but he knows he just can't right now. Not for as long as Obi-Wan will need to sleep. Not for as long as Alec wants him to sleep.

But he'll do his best. He watches but doesn't pull away his hand, letting their palms sit comfortably together.

"Sleep," he agrees. "We've earned it."

[ihateflying]

"I'm not sure I've earned anything," he murmurs, but ultimately it doesn't matter. He's so exhausted that he can't not sleep and once he's out it is true, deep, sleep - loss of consciousness mandated by his body, with or without Force, having hit the wall.

He still keeps his hand on Alec's until Alec pulls away though.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec makes it, stumbling and tripping in and out of real consciousness, another hour before he too is forced to give up and give in to his body's demands for deep, true sleep. He's not sure when he ends up pulling his hand back to himself but it's not the first or second time he stirs fitfully, checking around himself out of conditioned habit as much as instinct before drifting off again.

By the third time he's folded his arms around himself but he still stays close, as comforted by the warmth and breath of someone familiar at his back as Obi-Wan is; he makes it another half day before the trauma of his memories and mind are greater than his body's demand for rest and his eyes open and stay open. He doesn't get up yet but rolls over to stare at the door and listen to Obi-Wan beside him.

[ihateflying]

He wakes up feeling physically better and emotionally-

emotionally he just feels... empty.

Anakin is dead, Padme is dead, and both their children are alive. The Republic is gone, the Empire has risen with its Emperor. The Clones are firmly in his hands, the Order is gone, the Jedi are targets to be killed on sight.

Anakin's children will be safe enough with Bail.

He and Alec - and Yoda, he supposes - will be safe nowhere. There is no more framework for either of them. It makes sense that they stick together, but there is no good answer for where they go from here.

In the end though that also means there is no bad answer. He takes Bail's help - and money - and gets the two of them on their own personal transport, trying not to push Alec but also trying to make sure he continues to function - and sets a course for the outer rim. Which planet they'll land on remains to be seen but in the immediate aftermath it doesn't matter. The most important thing is getting away from the Core, where the presence of the government - the empire - is stronger. To the backwater worlds that are more or less forgotten and lawless.

Once the course is set and the ship is more or less handling itself with autopilot he goes in search of Alec. "I won't apologize to you again but I don't think the desire to will ever entirely fade."

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec, he stated multiple times, does not have a preference.

It's true, and that makes it easy to follow Obi-Wan where he leads, to fall into step just behind his right shoulder, to help pilot the transport until it's all about setting coordinates and flight paths that he doesn't care about. He speaks even less than he did before, although there are a few moments when he takes a deeper breath or opens his mouth like he might, but then he doesn't. Fubctioning is what he does. It's easy. He does it.

When it's just the two of them and the low hum of the engines, the pull of empty space passing by incomprehensibly fast outside, Alec has claimed a seat beside one of the tiny view holes where he's sitting, elbows on his knees, not particularly engaged with anything. When Obi-Wan speaks though he looks up and the weight of his attention is behind his eyes. It's what he has right now, until he registers the words and his eyes narrow slightly.

"What would you apologize for?" he asks, not dismissive, but earnest. He's been thinking. He has a lot to think about.

[ihateflying]

He takes a seat across from Alec, watching him rather than what's outside the view port.

He smiles, slight and tired in response to the question.

"That's the rub, isn't it? So many things I can't claim to be sorry for, or even to regret, without making a liar of myself." He isn't sorry Alec is here. He isn't sorry Alec broke the hold the chip held on him. He isn't sorry that Alec was there with him at some of the worst moments of his life - so far - or managed to do what he, in the end, could not and finish Anakin. "Not being... more worthy of it, I think, and not being able to help more now."

[kissthatgoodbye]

For a moment there in between, before Obi-Wan continues and clarifies, there's a brief, sharp spark of something like anger that he quickly smooths over into his ready blankness again. It's still there, but held in check, silent and out of physical sight.

"Worthiness isn't yours to judge," he shrugs instead. "Regarding me, anyway. I thought you were, I think you are. Because of that, I have free will now to do so. I could argue that's all that matters."

[ihateflying]

"You're right in that your judgement as to what's worth it to you is the only one that matters. Unfortunately, judging my own worth is as much part of being Jedi as the cloak, light saber, and force abilities. I will try to keep my mouth closed about it."

Truthfully he just had a lot of free floating guilt that he wasn't hanging onto so much as it was hanging on to him. It was complicating the issue, but it was what it was and he would... ride it out until it went away or didn't.

"You've been quiet."

[kissthatgoodbye]

"If it helps you decide, I haven't changed my mind."

He thinks only Obi-Wan would think such a thing. He's still a soldier after all. He doesn't need to speak to fulfill his function, and isn't expected to by anyone but this man.

It takes the edge off his buzzing thoughts, a little.

"I've been thinking. Trying to make sense of it. But there's none to find, is there?" This is not a real question. He goes on without waiting for an answer: "I won't fight clones anymore."

[ihateflying]

That Alec hasn't changed his mind does help. Knowing that and believing it help. They don't make everything go away, no, but that's because he'd been telling the truth about judging himself continually.

"I... understand what happened, but no, there isn't any sense in any of this." A pause and slight smile. "I'm glad you won't, I think. Frankly, I'm done fighting at all."

Very, very, completely done. Defend if outright attacked? Probably, but no further than he had to and not if he could find any other way.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Obviously Alec understands the words done fighting at all; as they apply to him, though, it's a bit more difficult for him to conceive of. He'd been expecting something, but not that. Not really.

"You think that's possible?" he asks, skeptical.

[ihateflying]

"To not fight at all?" he asks, then shakes his head. "No, I don't believe that is truly possible. There will always be people who are looking for the fight and I've no intention of lying down and dying for them."

But - and this was an important shift to him. "But there's no need for me to seek the fight, any longer. Not in any regard." And really, even before the war, that was what his role in the Order was. There were others who had done other things, but it was all he'd wanted and all he'd done.

He was through with it.