Alec

[ihateflying]

That first mission, when he'd chosen Alec almost on impulse, based on bare glimmers of ... an independence and kind of intelligence that set him apart, turned into more. Every time he was given an assignment that didn't involve an entire blasted army, he chose Alec - and chose him with increasing deliberateness.

The mission to Upatu to bring in Grievous did involve an entire battalion, but it also called for exactly one Jedi to go in alone, to find the separatist leader before ships landed or troops deployed.

So, he went in alone, he found and engaged Grievous. When the absolute swarms of droids were deployed and Grievous realized that - again - running away was the best option, ships descended and boots his the ground.

He felt them all as individual lives, but he was most aware of Cody... and Alec.

He stayed on Grievous, trusting the Clones to handle the droid army, and keep them off his back so he could do his job. It wasn't anything all that unusual up to that point. A lot of dodging, some near misses, a chase, and a brutal hand to ...cyborg fight that ended with him using a blaster of all things to finish Grievous off.

He made it back to the battle arena, gave Cody instructions to move the troops to the higher levels and had his fallen light-saber returned to him by Cody. It was all... perfectly normal.

Until it wasn't.

Until part way up the steep rock wall he became the target.

Of his own men.

There was no malice or ill intention to warn him. Just suddenly at the center of a hornet swarm of fire. He had just about enough time to register that his men were shooting at him before the rock ledge he was on was hit.


He fell, slamming hard into the edge of the cliff face on his way down.

That alone would have knocked him unconscious, but the feeling of other Jedi deaths across the galaxy tearing through his mind pushed him even deeper into unconsciousness.

He hit water, a small opening of an underground river by luck -

Which, really, ultimately, only meant that he was going to drown, since he was deeply unconscious.

Comments

[ihateflying]

"Mhm." It's agreement, given as he begins to drift to very light sleep. It's the last rest either of them will have for quite some time.

When he wakes it's time to leave, and calling what comes after a 'long day' would be disingenuous. It is very, very hard to translate time to days when traveling in space and from planet to planet, but it is most certainly more than a day, and it beyond brutal.

Getting out of the caves and back to the surface to Griveous' ship and off the planet to be picked up by Bail is the easiest of it.

There the need to change the recall beacon being transmitted by the Temple to one of warning. Which involves not only traversing a maze filled with Clones, via both avoidance and killing, but the discovery that Anakin is alive - when playing the security footage of him cutting down children.

Then of course there is the inevitable going after Anakin on Mustafar with intent to kill or die in the trying. There are no words involved for the physical and emotional hell that is. The escape back to Bail's transport with a dying, pregnant woman. The delivery of her twins and her death.

By the time it is over he has had more than one near total breakdown, and ended at a place where most of what he feels has been replaced by a total absence of anything.

Except gratitude. He is profoundly, deeply, grateful for Alec's presence.

Meetings are over, discussions are over, decisions have been made and now the only next is being taken somewhere, delivering Luke to his family and -

And he doesn't know.

After Yoda and Bail have left the room he looks to Alec, stands wearily and says gently, "Come on."

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec does not complain. He follows Obi-Wan every step of the way - quite literally every step of the way, refusi g to be left behind for any of it be it a suicide mission to Mustafar or a strategy meeting between the Jedi and their benefactor. He doesn't argue, but rather states what he's going to do and then stubbornly, silently does it. It's so much easier to let his identity as a soldier hold him up right now. It'll hurt by the end because he's not anymore, but he knows how to be nothing else and has no energy left to figure out what he should be just now, so he lets himself be Obi-Wan's soldier.

He shadows him through the maze of the temple even though firing upon his brothers makes him feel physically ill; he stands close enough to catch Obi-Wan and steady him when they learn the truth of what happened here, even though it barely touches him; he catches a stunning blow trying to help among the geisers and lava flows of that final battle before remembering who and what he is and that he cannot hold his own between Jedi.

So he stands back and lets them forget about him and then he takes one clear, concise shot. And then he takes four more, and then he's helping with Amidala and he kind of forgets the rest but that's easy.

He's standing stock still and silent guard just behind and to Obi-Wan's right when the meeting breaks up. He nods to each of the other men when they meet his eyes as he watches them withdraw, but he only moves for the last person in the room.

"Gladly," he offers, exhausted and hollow but prompt.

[ihateflying]

He can feel exhaustion radiating off Alec, and that as much as his own is the reason he doesn't even attempt conversation on the trip to the cabin he had been 'assigned' - meaning the first open door he'd seen, with clean clothing for them both - not Jedi, not armor, just clothing - folded on the built in desk, near the computer terminal.

It is also why he doesn't have quite the usual tact and caution in handing one of those stacks of clothing to Alec. "Shower and change." Whether that's better for Alec or not, right now those are the words he has.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Before, Alec had always politely refused clothing unless it became a direct order; he was trained better than that and knew where the boundaries were even independent of the chip. Now he simply takes them and nods.

"You as well," he states just as firmly, but doesn't wait to see or hear what happens then. He just moved to get cleaned up and change out of his armor one last time.

[ihateflying]

He is not going to join Alec in a shower. He is not going to go searching for another one, rather than the one attached to this room. He isn't leaving Alec and he's too tired anyway.

So he waits for Alec to finish, blinks a couple of times at the sight of him in clothing that isn't armor or blacks, and then -

"Five minutes," he promises. "Please wait here."

[kissthatgoodbye]

It doesn't take him long and then he's trying to muster up the wherewithal to decide what to do with himself next. He still has the armor packaged in one hand, blinking around him for some prompt or clue when Obi-Wan says that.

He does not ask where else he'd go. He nods his agreement and moves out of the way.

By the time Obi-Wan is finished, Alec has piled the armor he intended to throw away somewhere out of the way in a corner for later repair, and is instead sitting on the edge of the bed, compact with folded legs and leaned over his lap, but upright. His eyes are closed but the moment he hears footsteps on the floor he opens them again and looks over.

"Are we staying or going?" he asks, already dropping his feet to the floor to stand, already ready to move. If thryre going to move he can do it, he can go, but once they stop he knows they're both going to go down hard.

[ihateflying]

He looks at Alec and -

Is once again incredibly, nearly overwhelmingly, grateful for him, though he has no idea how to express it and knows it wouldn't be appreciated right now, anyway. Maybe he'll have a better idea when he's not so staggeringly tired that he hadn't even bothered to dry his hair enough to stop trails of cooling water tracking down the back of his neck and soaking into the collar of his tunic.

He moves toward Alec and sits down on the edge of the bed as well, and brushed his fingers against Alec's arm. "Staying." For now. For long enough to be able to rest, and think, and plan. "We're staying."

[kissthatgoodbye]

The relief that hits Alec isn't the sharp release of anxiety that it might be for most people, but something duller and passive. He doesn't care where they are, really, or where they're not. He's just glad he doesn't have to dig out the energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other again. For now.

He relaxes back from preparing to stand, then looks down at Obi-Wan's touch, blinking, but nods. He doesn't move away.

"Good." Neither of them is in any shape for another battle or another voyage just now. "It's been a long week."

[ihateflying]

"It's been a long several years."

If nothing else, however direly, this is an end to the War. The War that never mattered at all, but still destroyed Clones, Jedi, bystanders and victims on an individual and planetary scale.

It's imperfect but at least neither one of them is going to be pushed back to the front-lines.

He can feel the relief, dull as it is. It mirrors his own at the moment. He pushes himself back into the bed, back against the wall and on his side. His throat and wrists are still bruised from Anakin's... Anakin, but they aren't bad and he doesn't care. "Come here."

[kissthatgoodbye]

If Alec has bothered to feel anything about Anakin, it's mostly anger; he doesn't have the attachment side of the struggle he'd watchex in Obi-Wan, doesn't have energy left over for remembering when Skywalker was a revered leader of troops. None of that mattered. None of it did.

He doesn't have any empathy or grief left over for anyone who willingly participated in it. He's still keeping his head above water for the clones and for his own treachery.

Obi-Wan moves away from him and he drops his head in acceptance, but at a loss still for what to do next. Then Obi-Wan bids him follow and that - well, that's easy, once he's looked back to confirm he heard right. He's sore from head to to and one side of his body still burns from where he'd been knocked out of the way and half senseless in armor that was never meant to insulate against that kind of heat, but he still pushes himself closer without hesitation.

"I'll stay," he says, remembering the request to wait from earlier, but he still adds on, "If you want."

[ihateflying]

It's okay. He doesn't expect Alec to have any empathy for any of them, including himself. This entire, bloody, horrible, disaster was always just about the Jedi. The clone troops had been truly innocent, used and abused and lost in a war that had nothing to do with them, on any level, but worse wasn't even what it had appeared to be.

It isn't the thing he regrets most right now, but he is aware.

"If you're comfortable staying, I'd like you to stay." That one he's careful with, because he'd like to actually have someone there, feel someone breathing and not... worry about Alec right now.

He sure as hell isn't going to apply pressure with that - or at least will try not to. No matter how exhausted they both are.

[kissthatgoodbye]

"I am," he says simply, and leans back on the pillows. This is, hands down, the nicest bed he's ever touched and it's such a pleasant mundane distraction that he lets himself dwell on it a little.

"The other option is the hallway and I'd just as soon not." He glances over at Obi-Wan to raise an eyebrow, and it's a bit flat just now, he knows. So: "I don't blame you. Anyone who does will have to get around me to do it."

[ihateflying]

He splays a hand across Alec's chest once he's gotten confirmation that Alec wants to be here. The bed is nice - far nicer than the ones even he is used to; battleships and temple quarters weren't exactly the luxury Senator Organa brought into play.

It felt nice.

Having a literal hand on someone's heartbeat as proof of life felt nicer.

"The only person onboard who blames me, or is any threat to me, is me." He appreciates Alec's presence and the... dedication though. A lot.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec's heartbeat is strong abd steady at least. His body doesn't let him down, and now is no exception despite the abuse he's heaped on it lately.

He breathes under Obi-Wan's palm for two full rounds, watching chest and hand rising and falling, then cautiously reaches to lay two fingertips against Obi-Wan's wrist.

"You'll have to get around me, too," he says, quietly.

[ihateflying]

"You are allowed to touch me."

But not required to, it's just that his exhausted, shocky, brain has realized that's not a thing he's ever explicitly said and he's not exactly the most... tactile or physically welcoming person in the world under most circumstances.

Then he presses lightly against Alec, in a way that might have been a gentle squeeze if his hand weren't splayed out. "And I've been very aware of that, all day. And grateful for it."

[kissthatgoodbye]

And Alec hadn't known that he was looking for permission - the kind that he can recognize, the kind that doesn't go with most interactions amongst civilians - until Obi-Wan gives it and he feels something in his chest ease. Nothing big, nothing even particularly notable in amongst everything else, but like sudden understanding it's definitely there.

He moves his pointer finger slightly, finding the curve of bone under the skin and tracing it. It's thoughtful more than anything. Experimental, but like pushing against a bruise or rubbing fabric between fingers.

"That's new for me," he says finally. "Gratitude. No one is grateful to a clone for doing his duty." For dying, which they were made to do, he swallows back from saying. "The other two don't know what to do with me."

[ihateflying]

He stretches his fingers out, flexes them, making bone and muscle and ligaments move under the thin skin of his wrist, and against Alex's touch.

"Bail doesn't," he agrees. "His intentions are good but he's lost and fighting between appropriate sympathy and being over the moon that he's gained children that were desperately wanted. As well as not having any idea what to make of you. Yoda knows more than you'd think, including that you're an individual and that you have been amazingly helpful today. He just very old, and very... alien. He doesn't really know what to do with anyone, I don't think."

He's also ruthless in a particular way, he thinks but doesn't say.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Most of these are words Alec doesn't really know how to connect with; he's better equipped to understand seeming alien than he is to understand how children might affect how someone behaves or thinks.

What he wants to know is what he's been told his entire life will happen if he does what he's been doing ever since order 66: "Are they going to order me executed?"

It doesn't matter how good intentions are, the temple proved, but X-5494 already knew that. It doesn't matter how helpful a soldier is when there are battles to win. His entire life he's been told all that matters is loyalty to the Republic, and he suspects that might not be true anymore, but days old suspicions are no contest for years long conditioning.

[ihateflying]

He goes still, with temporary confusion that clears quickly. He is, he realizes, an utter idiot.

"They are not. I wouldn't allow them to if they wanted to, but neither one has any desire to see you hurt, much less killed. You can stay with me or not, but either way Senator Organa will make sure you're provided for and safe."

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec does not trust Senator Organa. He does not trust Yoda. He does not trust what others will or won't allow, or being provided for, or being safe.

But he trusts Obi-Wan. He went still when the other did but now he lets his fingers move again, slides his hand more fully over Obi-Wan's, though his touch is still light.

"I'll stay with you," he confirms. "We can discuss the rest later. I just wanted to know if I should bother sleeping."

[ihateflying]

He turns his hand over, very carefully and slowly so he doesn't... spook Alec into withdrawing, so he can lightly catch and gently squeeze his fingers.

"You should bother sleeping. We both should. We have a lot to figure out when we wake up." Where are they going? What are they doing? He has no idea, and he knows Alec doesn't either, but for right now - all he wants is to let his body and mind shut down from sheer exhaustion, but to do it while being able to feel Alec breathing beside him.

[kissthatgoodbye]

It's not a bad plan by any means, except the part where Alec really doesn't want both of them to sleep at once. He wants to stay awake, keep watch - he wonders how long it will be before that impulse passes, given the scope of the way they were all fooled this time - but he knows he just can't right now. Not for as long as Obi-Wan will need to sleep. Not for as long as Alec wants him to sleep.

But he'll do his best. He watches but doesn't pull away his hand, letting their palms sit comfortably together.

"Sleep," he agrees. "We've earned it."

[ihateflying]

"I'm not sure I've earned anything," he murmurs, but ultimately it doesn't matter. He's so exhausted that he can't not sleep and once he's out it is true, deep, sleep - loss of consciousness mandated by his body, with or without Force, having hit the wall.

He still keeps his hand on Alec's until Alec pulls away though.

[kissthatgoodbye]

Alec makes it, stumbling and tripping in and out of real consciousness, another hour before he too is forced to give up and give in to his body's demands for deep, true sleep. He's not sure when he ends up pulling his hand back to himself but it's not the first or second time he stirs fitfully, checking around himself out of conditioned habit as much as instinct before drifting off again.

By the third time he's folded his arms around himself but he still stays close, as comforted by the warmth and breath of someone familiar at his back as Obi-Wan is; he makes it another half day before the trauma of his memories and mind are greater than his body's demand for rest and his eyes open and stay open. He doesn't get up yet but rolls over to stare at the door and listen to Obi-Wan beside him.

[ihateflying]

He wakes up feeling physically better and emotionally-

emotionally he just feels... empty.

Anakin is dead, Padme is dead, and both their children are alive. The Republic is gone, the Empire has risen with its Emperor. The Clones are firmly in his hands, the Order is gone, the Jedi are targets to be killed on sight.

Anakin's children will be safe enough with Bail.

He and Alec - and Yoda, he supposes - will be safe nowhere. There is no more framework for either of them. It makes sense that they stick together, but there is no good answer for where they go from here.

In the end though that also means there is no bad answer. He takes Bail's help - and money - and gets the two of them on their own personal transport, trying not to push Alec but also trying to make sure he continues to function - and sets a course for the outer rim. Which planet they'll land on remains to be seen but in the immediate aftermath it doesn't matter. The most important thing is getting away from the Core, where the presence of the government - the empire - is stronger. To the backwater worlds that are more or less forgotten and lawless.

Once the course is set and the ship is more or less handling itself with autopilot he goes in search of Alec. "I won't apologize to you again but I don't think the desire to will ever entirely fade."